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Idk who will read this, but please... Give me a chance.
Category: Real Life
Current mood:
 depressed
Okay, so... A lot of you may or may not know me. This is my real life story. I don't really know who would read this, but.... I figured, I would, let you all know what I am like. Yeah, there was an issue with some people here. Yeah, I made a mistake of doing what I did, if you all heard or saw it. Yeah, I know sorry will not be enough to fix what I did. I just, want to let everyone know, just because someone you know, may have something, I have, doesn't mean it's the same. Different people, will have different... symptoms? if you can say it like that. I know this is the internet, but I feel like I need to speak up and, say what I think should be said. That is, I'm a f***ing idiot, but, I have a heart of gold. I have helped many of my friends with being an ear to them... But I am a human and I made mistakes... Sometimes its hard for me to just move on, but there is always that part where, I want to fix what I messed up... What maybe easy for you, is hard for me. I just, felt the need to speak my mind out of character. I want to show, that with Borderline Personality Disorder, is not an excuse and different with different people. Its hard for me to differ RL with RP. Again, maybe easy for you, but hard for me... All I ask, is that one chance to fix and prove, I'm not that bad of a person... That I'm not... an attention seeker.
This is just, me speaking my mind and me wanting all to know... I'm so sorry for what I did, and I wish I can turn back time to where we all had a good time... I just felt so... Worthless, outcasted, and other bullsh*t due to what I went through before coming onto this site, but, I don't know who to talk too about it... Yes, I am seeking professional help, but he has a personality of a mop... But for a little highlight to the writer behind this girl... people may or may not hate. I am not looking for sympathy, hate, or told, "You shouldn't talk that way in your blog about your RL life." Well, you and I are not the same. I feel the need to express my thoughts and this is the way I want to do it... This is probably going to be a long blog, but, I feel it is needed. You can take this however you want. I am not here to hate anyone, I am not here to be hated. Yes, what I, again did, was wrong. I should have thought about it, but my mind, wanted to go into a different direction and there's nothing I really could have done, because of how my brain works.
Obviously, no one is the same, obviously, we all think differently. Yeah, people have that hard exterior, speaking what is on their mind without holding back, but there are people, who, cannot do that, for fear, they will lose all they consider friends. I wanted to take everything that was said to me and keep it in my thought. I did. I did what I thought was right, trying to follow what was asked or said, I should/shouldn't do. Yeah, friends come, and friends go. We all have those moments that we do... things that are, random and weird. i am sorry, if I am trying to be all like, "LOOK AT ME! I AM AN ATTENTION SEEKER LOOKING FOR PITTY!" which, I am not looking for pitty. I just want my thoughts out there. I, again, am not seeking attenion... I know I have said that over and over in this post, but... This is helpful for me to, express how I feel. I took everything in thought, which I should have done in the first place, but, my "excuse" got in the way. I say "excuse" with the marks, because I say, "My disorders, cause me to do this.." which isn't meant to be taken as a "oh, feel bad for me." It should be taken as, "Okay, calm yourself. Come back, talk about your thoughts, if you wish, and we can take a few steps into another direction."
My disorders include: Borderline Personality Disorder (Not sure how many knows what this is, but its pretty common, message if you want to know more about it.) Schizotypal disorder (Listed below), ADHD/ADD, PTSD, Bipolar, Chronic Depression. - Schizotypal personality disorder typically includes five or more of these signs and symptoms:
- Being a loner and lacking close friends outside of the immediate family
- Flat emotions or limited or inappropriate emotional responses
- Persistent and excessive social anxiety
- Incorrect interpretation of events, such as a feeling that something that is actually harmless or inoffensive has a direct personal meaning.
- Peculiar, eccentric or unusual thinking, beliefs or mannerisms
- Suspicious or paranoid thoughts and constant doubts about the loyalty of others
- Belief in special powers, such as mental telepathy or superstitions
- Unusual perceptions, such as sensing an absent person's presence or having illusions
- Peculiar style of speech, such as vague or unusual patterns of speaking, or rambling oddly during conversations
I just, want things to be, understood of my actions. You, again, can hate me, delete me, block me, but I am going to speak my mind, like many others do. Think I'm an idiot if you want. Say, "Well, everyone has issues and shouldn't make you special. I have mental issues, but I take a break from sh*t. You should too." Or whatever. Showing awareness for these, disorders, over the internet, needs to be, brought to light because, you may, or may not, miss out on a person, that could be a true friend.
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